Friday, April 6, 2012

Tired of Being Good at the Good Show (my first bloggy rant!)

I am so tired of putting on a "good show" for everyone. I don't want attention, I just don't want to have to always pretend like everything is okay and that I'm incredibly happy all the time. Or, I'd like it to not be an act but I know that isn't the most realistic thought I've had.

We recently moved 3000 miles away from our hometown. The Internets were a little dishonest about the cost of living decrease, and we didn't do much more research than checking Sperling's and asking the one person we know who has ever been here before. So I under budgeted and now things are a little more stressful than we expected. A lot more stressful on my husband, which makes things even more stressful on me. But at work I tell everyone how great it is here, I tell my long-time customers how much better the weather is, I tell my family how excited I am for all the perks living in a major metropolis on the coast has to offer. I tell my husband when he says we should go back that I don't think it's a good idea, I tell my boss that it is just my husband who is unhappy and that it is mainly just a mix of stress and loneliness.

But I tell myself that I can't wait for the floor to fall out and we have no choice but to go home, and I tell myself that as long as I can make it through this moment right now eventually this all won't suck so badly. And I tell myself all the great things and reasons to stay and I want so desperately to believe it, because some part of me wants to stay here-I like it here. My over-analytical mind counters every point I make, positive or negative. One moment I will think that staying is the best choice in the long term, even if it is miserable in the short term--then I respond to myself (yes I talk to myself in my head, doesn't everybody?) with something about how it's just my pride not wanting to admit that we were too hasty in making this move, or how terrified I am of eating crow when everyone who advised us against the move laughs at me for returning. And in turn, I rename the good things.

I am just stuck on this mental merry-go-round and am helpless to get off and go straight. At this very moment I don't care if it is straight back home, or if it is straight forward in our new life, just as long as it was not up in the air.

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